


Plan B

by psyche_girl



Category: Dreaming of Sunshine, Naruto
Genre: Adolescent suffering, Canon-Compliant, Crack, Gen, Lucky Sevens - Freeform, Ninja sex education, Recursive fanfic, Sex Education, Silver Queen's Dreaming of Sunshine Universe, Team Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27679268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psyche_girl/pseuds/psyche_girl
Summary: The ninja sex education talk goes...a little differently than Shikako Nara expected.
Comments: 52
Kudos: 590
Collections: Heliocentrism — a Dreaming of Sunshine recursive collection





	Plan B

**Author's Note:**

> For Naruto fans with no idea who this Shikako-person is: 1) why on Earth are you reading this when you could be reading Silver Queen's utterly amazing Dreaming of Sunshine, and 2) all you actually need to know for the purposes of this fic is that Shikako is currently Kakashi's student along with Sasuke at the time of this story.
> 
> For DoS fans: this story takes place in a nebulous timeframe after Chapter 107, but before Chapter 144 (yeah, you know the one). In my head, it happens fairly soon after the Grass Chuunin Exams, for maximum Teenage Embarrassment Purposes, but in theory it could happen anytime. Enjoy!

"My cute little Genin. You have grown up so fast!"

Sasuke and I simultaneously blinked and stepped backward, instinctively feeling no good could come of this. Before we could back entirely out of the room, a kunai came flying between us to slam the door closed.

"Maa," Kakashi eye-smiled at us, with the kind of grave glee that I was most familiar with in connection to ridiculous excuses. "It seems I have neglected a very important part of your education! Now you have begun to discover the glories of adulthood, it is my duty as sensei to educate you both in the ways of the world."

Oh.

No.

 _Multiple times_ , goddamnit, I had gone through puberty _multiple times_ , and now I was going to have to sit through The Sex Talk for the third (fourth?) time. With Sasuke. From _sensei_.

If he pulled out Icha-Icha, I was Replacing myself with the window shutters. Surely the ground outside couldn't be _that_ far down?

"That's really not necessary, sensei," I said, trying very hard to sound like the mature reincarnated adult I was and not the fourteen-year-old kid I unfortunately appeared to be. "We both received adequate instruction on sex at the Academy."

While Genin might be too young for infiltration and seduction, every ninja – and especially every kunoichi – grew up aware that such missions might someday be part of our future. The village leaders were thankfully clever enough not to leave sex education up to the Jounin-senseis; our education from both Iruka-sensei and Mizuki-sensei had been _extremely_ thorough. I had also gotten a version of The Talk from each of my parents, although their approach had been Nara-typical levels of hands-off: Mum had made just enough vague inquiries to ensure I already knew the basics during our trip to the hospital to get Tsunade-sama's seal placed, while Dad had...well, strictly speaking, all he'd really done was grunt at me, but he did it in a way that meant he'd be there if I ever had questions.

"Ahhhhhh, but this talk will not be about all the wonderful delights that Icha Icha is full of!" The eye-smile slid off his face as suddenly as it had appeared, and something uncomfortably similar to Killing Intent started leaking into the room. "This is the _ninja_ talk, about how _not_ to enjoy those delights with people who are likely to _stab you or your village in the back._ "

For the next half-hour, Sasuke and I listened to Kakashi-sensei slowly and methodically outline all the most common ways you could be killed by a partner during coitus (stabbing featured heavily, for some reason – did ninja normally carry kunai in bed?) how to identify the STIs that were used most commonly for biological warfare, how to detect the four most common ways women faked Tsunade-sama’s seal to fool a shill and steal a bloodlimit, how to identify and counteract the date-rape drugs most often used by kunoichi, and felt a weird kind of cognitive dissonance. The whole talk was laced with something similar to the double-standards I remembered from my time Before, except now it was very obviously _Sasuke_ who was being urged to stay chaste.

Women had Tsunade-sama’s seal to keep us safe from pregnancy and STIs. This was the first time I’d realized: men didn’t have anything.

It didn’t seem fair.

It was probably best, Kakashi was explaining, staring very firmly and precisely at the wall six inches above our heads, for Sasuke not to become sexually active with anyone he didn’t know well enough to be completely certain was not a stranger under genjutsu or henge. Even then, it was probably best to avoid sexual activities that could lead to pregnancy or stabbing (no, seriously – _why_ did Kakashi think this was a common sex-related danger?)

The worst part was how serious he sounded. Not just this-is-a-real-danger-please-believe-me-you-dumb-kids serious, but this-is-how-gravity-works serious. Kakashi really _believed_ that it was unsafe for male ninja to engage in casual sex and that Sasuke was in near-constant danger of being raped for his eyes, and he seemed to think that these things would be obvious to us as well.

Before today, I had never thought to wonder about Kakashi’s romantic history. I was now sure I really, really, really didn’t ever want to know.

But it wasn’t until he demonstrated just what ‘techniques’ Sasuke (well, he said “you”, but it was clear he meant Sasuke) would need to look out for that I really lost my temper.

Kakashi grimaced, and muttered something that sounded like “this part always feels so skeevy.” Then he stuck both hands in his pockets, slouched a little lower against the wall, and _changed_.

It was unnerving. One second he was my scruffy weird teacher, with dust in his hair and a dark sleepless circle under his visible eye, and the next he was…

I couldn’t look away. My whole body had turned into a magnet, aligned straight toward him. I wanted to put parts of his body in my _mouth_.

And then in the next second, the feeling went away, replaced by shock and a dull kind of horror, because now I could look at sensei and _remember how it felt_.

“Okay? Okay! So now you both know what that feels like, and we never need to speak of this again-”

“What _was_ that?”

Sasuke and Kakashi had both gone red, and were staring anywhere but at each other and me. I think Sasuke would have _shunshined_ away if he weren’t too paralyzed with mortification to move.

“It’s, uh, a variation on Killing Intent. Sort of.” Huh. Interesting. Especially given what I knew I could do with Killing Intent and my shadow…if just the idea of doing something like that to somebody hadn’t set my whole skin crawling. “Skeevy” indeed.

“I’ve never heard of anything like that before.”

“It’s…not taught to the general population.” Kakashi was looking more and more uncomfortable by the second.

And _that_ made me stare, because that wasn’t Kakashi’s uncomfortable-because-feelings-and-people face, that was uncomfortable-because-classified- _please_ -don’t-get-involved face. That was the face he’d worn when I’d asked him about Naruto, or Akatsuki, or the bijuu.

“So, ah. Yes. As it is specialized, the technique usually indicates a certain level of skill, which can be used to identify…”

Usually, when Kakashi said “not the general population”, he meant ANBU. But Sasuke was ANBU, and he’d very obviously never heard of that technique either, and I couldn’t exactly picture never-shows-his-face bounties-in-six-nations Copy-nin Kakashi being assigned to any kind of seduction specialty squad. So where…?

“…fairly chakra-intensive, compared to genjutsu, so stalling…”

Kakashi had muttered something about this part _always_ feeling skeevy. Like he’d used it in demonstrations before, as a teaching tool. I could see him giving that kind of demonstration to ANBU teams – I’d figured out a long time ago that a lot of the things he taught us were cribbed from his days as ANBU Captain – but it couldn’t be ANBU, because Sasuke was ANBU. And Kakashi was uncomfortable in a classified way, which meant Black Ops. What kind of black ops organization would mandate-

Root.

Kakashi had been part of Root.

Kakashi had learned _that_ in _Root_.

“…Shikako?”

When had Root been officially “disbanded”? Before I was born, or after? Certainly not before I was seven. How old had Kakashi been? Fifteen? Thirteen?

How old had Sai been? Or the other children?

Sasuke jostled my arm.

“Uh, Shikako?”

Oh. I was still staring at Kakashi.

I was also, I realized a little self-consciously, leaking Killing Intent of my own.

In my mind hovered, vividly, three images: Kakashi of two seconds ago, leaning against the wall and leaking sex appeal so powerful that just the memory made me go dry-mouthed despite myself. Twelve-year-old Sasuke, at our first-ever team meeting, lisping about how his dream was to rebuild his clan. And a near-forgotten, 2-D blurry image of child-Kakashi from the manga, skinny and little and vulnerable behind a white mask and _thirteen_ , he’d been _thirteen or younger_ , he-

“I have to go.”

“Shikako?” I barely registered Sasuke, already digging in my pack for my sealed notebooks as I headed for the door and yanked the kunai out to leave.

I couldn’t fix the many, many things that were obviously wrong with Kakashi-sensei’s head. I had the sinking feeling I was _years_ too late for that. But I could fix _this_ , at least.

I unsealed my notebook and started scribbling.

Ino, Sakura, and Team Ten found us a few hours later in a bar one street over, me with my nose buried in a notebook and Sasuke with his in a half-empty bottle of the strongest alcohol the bar had to offer.

“Neh, Sasuke-kun? Are you okay?”

Sasuke, on my left, shuddered, and downed another swig of sake.

“Kakashi-sensei talked to us about responsible ninja relationships today,” I explained, glancing up from my seal sketches to wave at Ino. Perhaps a modified trigram base…

Kiba looked enlightened, then sympathetic.

“Oh yeah! The You Will Never Have Sex Again talk. Kurenai-sensei gave that to our old team yesterday.”

“I believe all the senseis did this week. Why? Because we are becoming sexually mature,” said Shino. “And although we are no longer their genin, they remain our sensei, and worry about us.”

“What did they say to you?” Sakura asked curiously. Ino shrugged.

“Asuma-sensei just told me to keep it in-village or keep it in my pants and then to get lost, because he had to talk to the boys about pregnancy prevention. I think they’re still with him.”

Ouch. Poor Shikamaru.

“Shikako? What are you doing?”

“Fixing it,” I muttered, glaring down at my notebook. I wished I had a way to contact Jiraiya-sama. I really could have used his expertise on some of these combinations. Or Tsunade-sama…

Oh, well. I’d take the next best option available. “Sakura, I need your help.”

“Why?”

“I’m inventing a seal so Sasuke and Kakashi can have sex.”

The resulting silence was so loud it made me look up just to check if an enemy had walked into the bar.

Sasuke was giving me a thousand-yard stare with a hefty level of _oh-god-why_ attached to it. Hinata had gone flame-red, and Ino and Sakura both looked shocked and faintly pink. Kiba was staring at me like I’d sprouted a second head or something.

I scowled, and folded my arms protectively over the notebook.

“It is _completely unfair_ that men still have to worry about being date-raped when we’ve had our seal for thirty years!”

Kiba’s stare morphed into a look of wall-eyed adoration.

“ _Oh_. Oh wow. Shikako. You’re a _genius_.”

Ino tilted her head at me. “I can’t decide if this means your team’s talk went horribly, or really _really_ well.”

“It was fine,” Sasuke said, at the same time I said, “it was awful”. We blinked at each other.

“But…the thing he did,” I pointed out. “With the leaning.”

Sasuke grimaced. “I had nearly managed to forget that!”

“Is that what the alcohol is for?” I blinked, intrigued. “Is it helping?”

He glared. “It _was_. Then you had to go and talk about…” He went bright red again, and stuck his nose back in the bottle.

“Right,” I said decisively. “Sakura, I need you to help me with the seal, _and_ to help make sure Sasuke doesn’t die of alcohol poisoning before we can test it on him.”

“You’re going to test it on _Sasuke-kun_?” Ino asked, looking gleeful. “Can I help?”

“I want to be a test subject!”

“Thanks, Kiba,” I smiled, “but I’m afraid that was rhetorical. The hospital has ridiculous protocols for oversight when developing new seals like this. Since this one’s not for personal field or combat use, the medic-senseis will be the ones to choose the test subjects.”

Kiba snickered. “Oh, I bet I can come up with _all kinds_ of field applications…”

…The conversation mostly degenerated from there.

The next day, Kakashi didn’t turn up to morning team training.

When we went looking, it turned out this was because he had found his own bar.

“No,” Kakashi exclaimed, sounding wounded – and more than a little sloshed. “You can’t come here. This is _my_ bar to drink to forget in!”

“What memories do _you_ have to repress?” Sasuke demanded. I winced. Fortunately, instead of answering him honestly, Kakashi just pouted.

“My student has become a giant pervert.”

“Huh?” Had he heard from Naruto recently?

“ _You_.” He glared at me. “You are inventing a seal so Sasuke and I can have sex.”

“Um.” Well, not them specifically, but… “Yes?” Wait, how had he heard about that?

Kakashi scowled.

“No.”

“…‘No’ what, sensei?”

“ _No_. Not okay. Do you have any idea what the Jounin are _saying_?”

“Oh god,” Sasuke blurted, looking deeply and suddenly horrified.

“Lucky Sevens,” Kakashi moaned into his glass. “Jiraiya’s legacy. _Puppy love_.”

Well. Okay, yes, that was fairly embarrassing. I felt mildly sorry for Sasuke, at least. But Kakashi read porn in public all the time, so I really couldn’t see why _he_ objected to getting teased about this. And I wasn’t about to feel ashamed for fixing a problem.

A problem I couldn’t fix, I thought, eyeing the empty bottles on the table, if Kakashi destroyed his liver before my seal was ready.

“Sensei, should you really be drinking so much?”

He narrowed his eye. “Tsunade held an _actual meeting_ yesterday with the jounin-sensei about sexual harassment. And she was _laughing the whole time_.”

I perked up. “Wait, Tsunade-sama knows? Do you think she’d be willing to give me any advice?”

Kakashi snorted. “She’s already been through menopause, won universal renown for her own contraceptive seal, and spent over forty years as Jiraiya’s teammate.”

“…Is that a yes?”

“No. That is a _no_ , and also a _go away_. _Please_.”

“Hai, sensei,” Sasuke agreed, grabbed my arm, and started dragging. Fortunately, having witnessed Ino attempt similar arm-drags on Shika before, I knew how to fight it. I dug my heels in.

“Not before you promise not to drink that whole bottle.” Unlike when Sasuke got drunk, I couldn’t bribe Sakura to heal liver damage with shirtless Kakashi.

Kakashi glared, and took a pointed swig.

“I, unlike you, am a mature adult.”

I narrowed my eyes right back at him.

“You know,” I said, in my most innocent voice, “that seal I’m making isn’t really designed for _Sasuke_ at all. It interacts poorly with other active seals present on the body, so I’d have to tailor it specifically to account for the existing effects of Orochimaru’s and Jiraiya’s sealing.” And that had taken me far, far longer to figure out than the actual contraceptive biomechanics. Was still taking, actually. Multi-seal interactions were _complicated_. “But that shouldn’t be a problem for _you_ , right, sensei? Since you don’t have any active seals. I’m sure if I told Tsunade-sama I designed it _specifically for you_ , she’d be willing to make you one of the first round of test subjects.”

Kakashi’s eye widened.

I folded my arms, and stuck my tongue out at him.

Behind the mask, his face went white.

“Shikako,” he said, closed his mouth, opened it, paused, and got as far as “you” before choking.

“ _One_ more drink, sensei. And lots of water.”

“…You know,” he said, slowly, eye narrowing, “I think you have too much time on your hands. How about a long mission? Somewhere far, far out of the village.”

“The research proposal is already submitted in triplicate,” I helpfully informed him. “R’n’D were very interested in some of the applications. I don’t think the head of their division’s had a date in a while. And Kiba convinced Tsume-taicho to give me time off for this specifically.”

Kakashi’s head thunked onto the table.

“Why me?” I patted his shoulder.

“We are a _team_ , Kakashi-sensei. Just because I’m your student doesn’t mean I don’t want to look after you too.”

Around the corners of the mask – and his defeated hands – Kakashi’s ears had gone red.

“Maa, yes. A nice long mission, possibly to Iwa. Or Snow.”

I gave his shoulder a last pat, and reached out to tug the bottle away. Sasuke was still busily pretending he didn’t know me, but he was still quick to appropriate it as soon as we left the bar.

“You’re not drinking all of that either,” I informed him, and pulled my notebook back out.

If the gossip had reached the jounin already, it wouldn’t be long before it reached Danzo. I was on even more of a timer than I’d thought.

The first I heard of Naruto's return to the village was when I turned the corner, and a shockingly tall muscly blond blur tackled me and Sasuke to the ground.

"What?" I blinked, from the inside of a very dusty pile of limbs. "I… _Naruto?!_ "

"Dobe?" The fact that Sasuke's first response wasn't "Let go of me" was really kind of touching.

"I missed you guys _so much_ ," Naruto gasped, one warm arm tightening around my neck. I choked.

"Naruto! Can't breathe - !"

As I disentangled myself, I heard Jiraiya's voice drifting along the street toward us, accompanied by Kakashi.

"…wasn’t planning on a visit, but I heard about that seal your student's developing, and I just had to come see for myself!"

I stared.

 _Oh my god_ , was all I could think. _I broke canon._

Naruto wasn't supposed to be back for another year and a half at _least_. And here I'd gone and invented a seal that _everybody told me_ was pervert-bait, and brought Jiraiya straight back to Konoha at least eighteen months ahead of schedule. Kakashi-sensei didn't even look surprised to see him. If Kakashi could guess this would happen, could other people? Could Akatsuki?

What had I _done_?

"Well?" demanded Jiraiya. Was he…yes, he was literally hopping up and down from foot to foot in front of me, grinning like a loon. "Let's see it! I haven't got all day!"

Naruto (who had, predictably, degenerated to scuffling with Sasuke the second I was free) was busily lamenting from the middle of a headlock that Kakashi-sensei had infected me with his "pervert curse" and promising to save me from Ero-sennin and Sensei's twisted corruption. Kakashi was standing with both hands over his face looking like he wanted to sink into the ground from embarrassment. It was an expression I'd seen a lot of, in the past few weeks.

"Th-this is the latest version," I managed, dusting myself off and holding my notebook out. "I…the permanent copy is down at the hospital."

"Hm. Sloppy. Too sensitive to interference from outside seals."

Well, yes. That was the point.

That had been the _entire_ point.

My design could work on men already carrying other active seals – there were enough shinobi with permanent medical seals of some kind that it would basically have to, to be useful at all – but it was carefully designed to require specialized, if simple, alterations to make it compatible with each additional seal a patient carried.

Alterations that involved knowing what those preexisting seals were.

"There," Jiraiya muttered, finishing scrawling across a new page with a satisfied flourish. I blinked. Where had he gotten the brush from? " _That_ should work much better."

And then he pulled his shirt up and started _inking it onto his skin_.

"I- Jiraiya-sama -!"

"Hm?" He squinted down at the lines, held the notebook out to compare, and then flicked his fingers in a seal to blow drying wind across the ink.

"You- I- testing," I stammered. "I- there's a list."

It had more people on it than I'd expected, really. Kiba had not been the only clan scion who'd liked the idea of _not_ needing to wait until marriage, and according to R'n'D the list of men who'd volunteered to serve as test subjects now included at least one holder of every single kekkei genkai in Konoha. I was pretty sure even Shika had been (very quietly) paying attention to my progress.

Almost none of those men were likely to be Root. But it didn't matter. As long as the hospital approved the seal, Tsunade-sama had already agreed it was going to be made mandatory for all active duty Konoha nin. Which would have required every adult male shinobi to disclose any preexisting seals.

The key words here being _would have_.

"Heh, I heard about that list of yours. It started and ended with your team, didn't it?" Jiraiya grinned down at me. It was not quite a leer. "But that's for _your_ seal, Shikako-hime. _This_ version is technically my invention too, and I intend it to test it _extensively_ in the field."

I gaped at him, and he ignited the seal with a flare of chakra.

"Oh," he added, reaching into a satchel and pulling out a boxed set of what looked to be first edition Icha-Icha. "Feel free to give the revised version to the hospital, of course. Wouldn't want to deprive any gentlemen of this opportunity. I'll write to let them know how it works out." He slapped my notebook on top of the Icha-Icha books, dumped the whole bundle into my arms, regarded me for a second, then reached out and gave me an awkward, if grandfatherly, pat on the head. "The base of that seal was good work, hime. Proud to collaborate with you. NARUTO! PUT DOWN YOUR BOYFRIEND! WE'RE LEAVING!"

"WHAT?!? But we just GOT here and- _HEY_! Teme's not my _boyfriend_! Stupid Ero-Sennin, I'll show _you_ -"

Jiraiya, rather than engage with this, simply grabbed a handful of messy blond hair and walked toward the gates, literally dragging our teammate along behind him kicking and screaming.

"…Hn," said Sasuke, after a long few minutes staring after them. He looked about as dazed as I felt.

"Are you going to keep those?" Kakashi-sensei crept up beside us, eyes fixed on the books in my arms.

"No," I said automatically, clutching the stack tighter. "They're going to be your birthday presents."

He settled back on his heels, looking pleased.

I blinked some more.

"I… Did Jiraiya-sama just call me _hime_?"

**Author's Note:**

> …And that was how Shikako earned free signed first editions of Icha-Icha forever, the end. 
> 
> (Also, Jiraiya's "reports" to the hospital were most definitely porn.)


End file.
